I came across a
Pinterest post the other day, entitled “The Right
Way to Wash Your Face… In 7 Easy Steps.”
In the split-second
that it took me to read that title, my brain was already short-circuiting. I
hadn’t even CLICKED on it yet, and there was already so much to be alarmed
about. Here, in chronological order, was my exact play-by-play reaction:
ONE: The right way to wash your face? As
in, there’s a wrong way? Is face-washing really that complex? Such a labyrinthine
process that people need help navigating it? Are there people out there
scrubbing their faces with motor oil, cursing the sky in frustration and hoping
that someone will come along, take them by the hand, and illustrate the right
way to do it?
TWO: D’uhhh… 7 steps? SEVEN?! Apparently I am
one of the aforementioned wayward souls in need of direction, because I cannot
even wrap my head around the idea of there being seven steps to washing your
face. Unless the steps went something like:
1.)
Obtain
a face.
2.)
Gain
access to running water.
3.)
Find some
soap.
4.)
Read
this article.
5.)
Wash
face.
6.)
Be
happy with self for having washed face.
7.)
Do
Christopher Walken impression in mirror.
THREE: Oh phew, at least they’re seven
EASY steps. As opposed to all the other face washing tips out there, which call
for seven DIFFICULT steps. Or five really easy steps, and two especially
challenging ones.
Even if it’s the
“right” way to do it, I will never be the kind of girl to devote that kind of
time / energy to my face. It’s stuff like this that highlights my absolute inability
to be a female. There are just SO. MANY. THINGS. involved in womanhood that I
will never understand, and have no immediate hopes to begin understanding.
This has always
been the case, since I was a wee babe, 11 years old and reading Cosmo… I
figured someday I would just wake up, swing my feet off the bed and step into
the world as a mature, high-heel-wearing, mascara-using lady. But the
years passed, and as I blossomed into an adult I did not develop any of the ladylike
characteristics I imagined I would. Instead, I feel like I spend more time
impersonating a girl than actually being one.
And now, when I
come across articles like this, it only amplifies my curiosity. I wish I were
some kind of official researcher, so that I could conduct studies on this
strange female race of which I am apparently a member. Instead, I have
compiled a list of all the things I just don’t understand, which I will now
send off into the universe (boys, you can probably sit this one out. Go have
yourself an ice cream cone, you’ve been a real trooper.):
Dear fellow
females,
WTF is up with…
1.) TIME. Don’t worry ladies, this one I
actually have figured out already. Obviously, in order to leave the house every
morning looking that polished and put-together, I am sure you must have
some kind of time-altering technology. Right?! This is the absolute only
explanation I can conjure for how you would still be able to get a full 8 hours
of sleep while devoting enough time to looking that fantastic. Is there some
kind of application process required to obtain such a device? Do I need
references? Please advise, thx.
2.) DESIGNER NAILS.
I don’t have anything negative to say
about a cute set of nails. They are, truthfully, adorable. AW, is that a
flower?! And a bumble bee? DID YOU PAINT YOUR NAILS TO LOOK LIKE A PEACOCK’S
FEATHER?! You are wonderful and talented and your nails are nothing short of
amazing. But it makes me sad to look at them, because I’m not sure whether you
realize that they are 100% temporary. It would be like Picasso creating
all his masterpieces with sidewalk chalk. They’re gorgeous, but that probably
took a lot of work, and I know for an
absolute fact that in T-Minus 22 hours they will chip. Period. A day after
that, at least one nail will have an entire corner missing. And before long
they will be so ugly that you won’t even be able to see the feather design
anymore – you’ll just be faced with the painful decision of either waiting for
their inevitable demise, or swabbing them yourself. Was it worth it? The
tedious hours involved in their perfection? Wouldn’t you rather have put that
kind of effort onto, say, a canvas? Then we could all enjoy it forever!
3.) SHOES. What’s
the big deal? They go on your feet. Socks go on your feet, too, but we don’t
seem as obsessed with those. So I am utterly confused. From what I understand,
many moons ago all the women of the world came together and held a meeting…
during which they discussed the secret, magical power of shoes and why they are
so vitally important to the female race. I think there was a Breaking Bad
marathon on that day, so I must have missed the memo. Someone please brief me
on their significance.
4.) CONTOURING. I
don’t even have anything else to say about this one, I just want answers. WTF
is this.
5.) SHOPPING. I
legitimately must be missing something here, because here is my take on
shopping: You sift through racks upon racks of clothing, literally 80% of which
is not your size / style. On the off chance that you actually find something
you like, you take it to the dressing room only to find out half the time that
it doesn’t look like you thought it would, or fits you weird, or doesn’t match
anything in your existing wardrobe. Even if it somehow passes that test, you then have to stare at it
for another 15 minutes – because sure it’s cute, but is it [INSERT DOLLAR
AMOUNT] worth of cute? And the answer is always
no. Because clothes are always completely unnecessarily expensive. And the
whole process takes, like, hours and I
feel like there are just so many better ways to spend my life. (See # 1) And
then EVEN ONCE IT’S ALL OVER you have to go again in another few months because
now everything you just bought is out of style. No thanks y’all, I’ll stick to
my existing pair of ripped jeans that I’ve been wearing since 10th
grade and call it a day.
6.) GENERAL PRODUCT
PREFERENCES. I have never, in my 24 years of life, said, “this beauty
product is better than the others” about anything.
Which makes shopping for products an uneventful affair, because I pretty much
just reach for whatever’s on sale / on the shelf closest to my outstretched
hand. Consequentially, I’ve probably used just about every product at some time
or another – and so far, nothing has wowed me enough to have me searching for
it the next time around. So I find it fascinating that some women are so loyal
to a single brand. What factor could possibly influence your shampoo-buying
decision that heavily? And can there really be that much variation in mascara?
7.) SHAVING CREAM.
I think the other issue is my complete lack
of beauty product usage to begin with. For instance, does anyone actually use shaving cream to shave
their legs? And if the answer is yes, why?
I mean, is there some advantage to just using the soap in the shower? And be
honest on this one, can you look me straight in the eye and tell me that
conditioner is ABSOLUTELY essential to your hair? Is there science behind this?
These countless unanswered questions boggle my mind, and
more and more arise every day. I sincerely hope that nobody will revoke my girl
card for being so completely clueless, as I go upstairs and try to elongate my
face-washing process into seven easy steps.
(I wrote this to be primarily rhetorical, but if you truly do have any answers for me I am
legitimately curious, and all ears.)
No comments:
Post a Comment